


small cuts

by iscarict



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Parent John Winchester, Character Study, Gen, Hurt Sam Winchester, Parental Bobby Singer, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:28:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24265870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iscarict/pseuds/iscarict
Summary: The next time the voices in his head screamed at him was when he was thirteen and standing alone in the bathroom, the blade pulled out of a disposable razor.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 69





	small cuts

Sam knew it was dumb to be so depressed at such a young age, none of the people at his schools seemed to be as bad as him. But as he sat alone in the run down motel, staring at the chipping paint on the wall as Dean and their father slept, he couldn't help but feel the ache in his chest and his mind swarming with thoughts. The voices in his head screamed at him to take that gun that was just beneath his pillow, go to the bathroom and pull the trigger with the barrel against his head. But, why was he thinking this? He was only ten years old, shouldn't he be happy? He had a friend, he had his family. Shouldn't that be enough? ⠀  
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⠀Apparently not. He knew how screwed up his life was, he knew the reason the other kids his age weren't that bad was because they lived normally. Their mother wasn't burned on the ceiling, their father wasn't a hunter, they weren't hunters in training. No, they had both parents, they had positivity, they had support.⠀ ⠀  
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⠀Sam wasn't saying he didn't have support, that wasn't the case at all! But, Dean couldn't always be there. Being fourteen, he'd discovered how big sex appeal was and if he wasn't defending John or hunting, he'd be hitting on some girl or going out, leaving Sam alone. And he was fine with that, sort of. He wanted his brother to be happy, of course, but he wished Dean was here more, maybe Sam wouldn't be so bad…⠀ ⠀  
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⠀No! No, that was selfish of him to think about it like that. The world didn't revolve around him, John made sure to shove that thought into his head so deep he knew it would never leave. ⠀  
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⠀The next time the voices in his head screamed at him was when he was thirteen and standing alone in the bathroom, the blade pulled out of a disposable razor. He'd sliced up his fingers a bit just trying to get it out, and for a moment he just watched his fingertips bleed, watching it drip into the sink. ⠀  
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⠀He'd overheard a group of girls talking about someone, he remembers the name Katie, who cut herself. They said she did it for attention, but he'd heard one of the girls later say that Katie did it to help cope with the bad thoughts in her mind. ⠀  
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⠀That's what he focused on when he went back to the motel. He made up some excuse as to why he couldn't go on the research run, saying if he moved he'd throw up. John yelled at him, slamming the door on his way out but Dean just got him a bottle of water, put the trashcan near his bed and said his goodbyes before running out to join their father. ⠀  
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⠀As soon as he heard the car drive off, Sam had gotten up and stolen the razor out of Dean's bag, making sure it was the one he hadn't gotten out of the package yet, before trying to tear it apart.⠀ ⠀  
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⠀There he stood, the blade in between his fingers as he stared down, tears threatening to well in his eyes as he lifted his now exposed arm. He thought for a moment, ready to push it against his flesh before deciding that was much too obvious. ⠀  
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⠀After that night, he realized that hurting himself like that did nothing for him. He suffered through a week of carefully pulling his jeans up over his scarred thighs. ⠀  
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⠀The time he had the gun to his temple was the last time he made a serious attempt at his own life, but it was interrupted when Bobby found him sitting like that in the back of the scrapyard. It broke his heart to see his father figure so terrified, he'd never seen him like that before. But, for a good five minutes, Sam refused to put the gun down. He couldn't do this, he was tired of everything. Tired of hunting, tired of John, tired of losing his friends, tired of disappointing everyone. ⠀  
⠀⠀ ⠀⠀  
⠀Bobby sat with him the entire time, telling him how important he really was. It was unlike him, Sam knew that, but he supposed it was a serious situation after all. Of course, Bobby had thrown in a few sarcastic comments, insulted Dean ('your brother may be a dumbass, hard to handle but he'd be lost without ya.') and it had made Sam crack a small smile, which was ultimately what led to him handing the gun over. He saw the relief on his face when he knew Sam wasn't about to pull the trigger. ⠀  
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⠀They walked back to the house, and Sam was thankful for Dean being on the hunt with John, now. He was thankful he'd nearly broken his leg now, because if he hadn't, he'd be with them and drowning in his thoughts still. But, he was with Bobby, and he was getting help. Well, as best help as he could get. ⠀  
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⠀The Winchesters didn't believe in therapy, and neither did the Singers. But a long talking to, filled with more jokes but ultimately serious, telling Sam he could've come here or gone to his brother if things were this bad, telling Sam he was just glad he wasn't dead. It made Sam happy, in an odd way, but the realization dawned on him and he had begged Bobby to not tell them, never tell anyone what he was feeling. ⠀  
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⠀They decided keeping it a secret between the two of them was best, and after that was when Sam let slip that he hated hunting. Bobby had given him some options, and after asking about college, the two of them looked online to see what they could find. That's when Sam decided he wanted to continue his schooling, become a lawyer at Stanford. He'd work hard to go, he knew he'd never be able to get there unless he went into debt. He decided that going there would be his way out, his way to happiness.⠀  
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⠀Even if that meant watching Dean's face fall when he realized he was losing his brother. He felt guilty, he felt his heart break as his father yelled at him, but he didn't care. He felt for his brother, he felt horrible to leave him behind but the second that he really left, he felt free. It felt like a giant weight was lifted off of his chest and he could finally breathe. Yeah, he left Dean behind but… ⠀  
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⠀Hey, it was better than killing himself. ⠀  
⠀⠀ ⠀⠀


End file.
